Apologies To The World
Dear World (except Russia):
Please don’t take it out on us. We understand your feelings. We despise Donald Trump, too, and realize he’s no doubt been farting, picking his nose, and speaking in an offensive manner, if not actually, Lord help us, grabbing your gentlewomen by their lady parts.
We, too, find his conduct completely unacceptable.
Iran, we’re sorry he just up and killed one of your leaders. As you know, that is not how we normally conduct business so please accept our apologies on behalf of the USA and refrain from murdering a bunch of us. We had no idea the stupid ass was going to do something so inappropriate and I’ll-conceived. Our lawmakers, who should have been informed and consulted, did not know what the maniac was up to.
We’re trying to get rid of him. That is why he’s anxious to start a war with some of you. Moreover, there’s a distinct possibility he is laboring under the delusion he’s the star of a reality show.
He’s also hoping by threatening war he can distract Americans from his impeachment and impending trial in the senate.
If any of you engage in war with him, you will be doing him a favor. Please just try to ignore him. He’s despicable and desperately wants to stir up worldwide trouble.
He thinks if he starts acting like a tough guy and bullying the world, we will like him again. He does not understand we never liked his ass in the first place.
Well, admittedly some of our people liked him, but they were either deceived or just plain ignorant. Mostly they regret their mistake and wish they had not voted for him.
There are, regrettably, some Americans still loyal to him. But they’re stubborn or stupid or both. Surely you have some of these people in your countries too? Hopefully that will help you understand; you know dealing with those citizens is a challenge to any nation. Ultimately we hope to lock up those who cannot be rehabilitated in the cages wherein the immigrants are now incarcerated. Once we free the immigrants, we’ll have plenty of room, of course.
We wouldn’t mind so much if you only directed your understandable anger toward a Trump rally and the knuckle-dragging, boot licking, hee-hawing idiots still goose-stepping for him. But we really hope you will not. The trouble is they have innocent children in there who can’t help what their propagandized parents do. There are also members of our media at those ape-fests.We need them to stay alive and well so we (and you) can keep track of what Trump and his cronies are doing through their reporting.
His resorts and hotels; we don’t care much about those. So if you must seek vengeance…but, again, please give us some time. No Americans should die because the dumbtards and crooks among us put the blockhead in charge.
Listen, we really elected Hillary Clinton, but because of the nastily conceived flaw in our election process called the electoral college, the will of the majority was thwarted. Trump became president instead of the qualified leader for whom the majority of us voted only because of that electoral college nonsense.
We know. We hear you. We are just as unhappy with him as all of you are, and we’re trying to get him out of your hair. If any of you have one of those one-car wonder thingamajigs like Trump sent to Iraq, you might want to keep it handy just in case we fail and he’s able to steal our election and install himself as the dictator, king, and grand Poobah of the USA. We, of course, are not at all promoting any violence and only mention it in the context of the improbable collapse of our society and descent into complete fascism.
Anyway, just so you know, most Americans hate his ever-lovin’ guts, or more formerly, entrails. And we aren’t fond of Pence or Pompeo, either. They’re just as bad as Trump for sticking with him and performing like puppets on a string.
Still, please just let us deal with this and be assured we will do so at our earliest opportunity.
We’re asking only that you to give us about 10 months, at most. We will vote his disgusting and gluttonous ass out of office in November of this year after the senate probably chooses money over integrity.
So please don’t do kill a bunch of us — for your good as well as ours. Remember we need every living voter we can get to vote him out, and we can’t do that if you’ve gone ahead and neutralized us.
We assure you of our utmost understanding that you really and truly hate the crazy ole coot, but believe us, it’s not anymore than we do. He’s a huge pain in our collective butts as well as yours.
Please, we ask only that you give us until November. We’ll relegate him to the pages of history where he’ll be forever known as the dastardly mental midget he is today.
Meanwhile, please know we’re doing all we can to control him, but he’s crazy as a loon and ignores our laws. Hopefully, we’ll get him out of office even before November. We can’t promise anything, though, since we have ole turtle McConnell and his Republican lackeys in the Senate still hanging onto him. They don’t seem to notice the water is rising up around his pudgy and doughy knees so they’re all liable to drown with him.
Incidentally, that wouldn’t upset us at all. There are 53 Republican senators. Please let us know if you would like to, uh, write to them and we’ll provide you with their addresses. Only so you can correspond with them, of course.
We promise to ensure the next president we elect will be able to behave themselves and respect the rest of the world — except Russia. We don’t care for Russia and feel they are somewhat — or completely — controlling our criminally insane Commander in Chief.
Please accept our deepest apologies for allowing such an uncouth reprobate to take over our White House. Be assured we’ll get him out of there soon, hopefully in handcuffs.
We greatly appreciate your patience and assistance in this matter.
Sane Citizens of the United States
*This communication was NOT approved. by Tom Cotton